Balancing my Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Seeking a Committed Partnership
Being a homosexual male approaching 50, my life has involved many, largely enjoyable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I was in a committed partnership which continued for four years, however it never fully satisfied me, because I didn't experience love or intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I start to date a potential partner, when the initial excitement dwindles, an impulse arises to have sex with new partners once more.
Questioning the Feasibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I understand that numerous gay men have open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, often causing significant pain and jealousy among all parties. In many ways, I desire another man to love me while letting me remain sexually free, however I fear the psychological toll this would cause. Should I just continue to have spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Each individual's intimate path fluctuates. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to tolerate various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. What you need as you are experiencing them now could easily shift in the future; eventually you might become less ambivalent and discover some clarity and a suitable route … or not. One day you could encounter someone who provides a transformative opportunity to you by reflecting what you want in a holistic fashion … and later on you might decide that non-committal encounters suit you best. Fretting over the future and engaging in the “What if?” game is simply rooted in fear and a waste of your energy. Try to be present in your relationships, and recognize the worth of each person you connect with intimately an intimate bond. If and when you are ever ready to deepen true intimacy with one partner, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American psychotherapist who specialises in addressing intimacy issues.
