The Phrases from My Dad Which Helped Me when I became a First-Time Father

"I think I was merely trying to survive for a year."

Former reality TV personality Ryan Libbey thought he would to cope with the challenges of being a father.

However the actual experience rapidly became "utterly different" to what he pictured.

Serious health issues during the birth caused his partner Louise admitted to hospital. All of a sudden he was pushed into becoming her chief support in addition to taking care of their newborn son Leo.

"I took on each nighttime feed, every change… each outing. The duty of both parents," Ryan stated.

After nearly a year he became exhausted. That was when a conversation with his parent, on a bench in the park, that led him to understand he required support.

The straightforward phrases "You're not in a good spot. You require assistance. How can I help you?" paved the way for Ryan to speak honestly, ask for help and regain his footing.

His experience is commonplace, but rarely discussed. While people is now more comfortable discussing the pressure on mums and about PND, not enough is spoken about the challenges new fathers go through.

Asking for help is not weak to seek assistance

Ryan feels his challenges are part of a broader inability to talk amongst men, who continue to absorb damaging perceptions of manhood.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the harbour wall that just takes the pounding and doesn't fall time and again."

"It isn't a sign of being weak to seek help. I didn't do that soon enough," he explains.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a expert focusing on mental health before and after childbirth, notes men often don't want to admit they're finding things difficult.

They can feel they are "not a legitimate person to be seeking help" - particularly ahead of a mother and child - but she emphasises their mental health is equally important to the household.

Ryan's chat with his dad offered him the chance to request a pause - going on a couple of days abroad, outside of the family home, to get a fresh outlook.

He understood he had to make a change to pay attention to his and his partner's emotions alongside the practical tasks of taking care of a infant.

When he shared with Louise, he saw he'd overlooked "what she needed" -holding her hand and hearing her out.

'Parenting yourself

That insight has reshaped how Ryan perceives fatherhood.

He's now writing Leo letters each week about his feelings as a dad, which he hopes his son will look at as he matures.

Ryan believes these will assist his son better understand the vocabulary of emotional life and understand his approach to fatherhood.

The notion of "self-parenting" is something musician Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

During his childhood Stephen was without stable male parenting. Despite having an "incredible" relationship with his dad, deep-held difficult experiences meant his father struggled to cope and was "in and out" of his life, making difficult their bond.

Stephen says suppressing emotions resulted in him make "poor decisions" when younger to change how he was feeling, turning in drink and drugs as a way out from the pain.

"You turn to substances that are harmful," he explains. "They might briefly alter how you are feeling, but they will ultimately exacerbate the problem."

Strategies for Getting By as a First-Time Parent

• Share with someone - if you're feeling under pressure, speak to a trusted person, your spouse or a therapist what you're going through. Doing so may to ease the pressure and make you feel less isolated.
• Keep up your interests - keep doing the activities that made you feel like you before the baby arrived. It could be exercising, socialising or playing video games.
• Don't ignore the physical health - eating well, physical activity and where possible, sleep, all play a role in how your mental state is doing.
• Connect with other new dads - sharing their experiences, the messy ones, as well as the good ones, can help to put into perspective how you're feeling.
• Remember that requesting help does not mean you've failed - prioritising your own well-being is the most effective way you can care for your household.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen understandably struggled to accept the loss, having not spoken to him for a long time.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's committed not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his own son and instead provide the security and emotional guidance he missed out on.

When his son threatens to have a tantrum, for example, they try "shaking it out" together - expressing the frustrations safely.

Both Ryan and Stephen state they have become more balanced, healthier men because they faced their struggles, transformed how they talk, and taught themselves to regulate themselves for their kids.

"I'm better… dealing with things and managing things," explains Stephen.

"I wrote that in a letter to Leo the other week," Ryan adds. "I wrote, sometimes I feel like my job is to guide and direct you what to do, but in reality, it's a two-way conversation. I'm learning an equal amount as you are on this path."